What Brings You Home to Yourself?

It was *almost* spontaneous. With less than a week’s advance notice, I loaded Buddy into the car and we went on a little road trip to spend this past weekend with my good friend and her fiancé and their three dogs.  They live on top of a mountain amidst the redwoods. It. was. gorgeous. The weather couldn’t have been more beautiful as we sat on the deck sipping wine and barbecuing, making s’mores, and soaking in the hot tub under the stars.

After some busy weeks filled with greater-than-usual intensity and mental swirl, it was exactly what I needed. I’d been aware that my stress levels were mounting. To cope, I had been squeezing in more meditation and doing some of my other practices to quiet and center myself, but they were only keeping the engine running, not actually filling the tank. I made sure to keep dancing and doing my volunteer work, both of which feed my soul and recharge my batteries, but it wasn’t sufficient. I needed to refuel.

I like to think of the process of refueling as coming home to myself, or re-connecting with my core essential being.

For me, that most often includes sinking into the powerful inner peacefulness that comes from being amongst the giant redwoods. Feeling the sun and the breeze on my skin. Smelling the forest. Hearing the birds. Just breathing and being.

Given the pace of urban living, corporate culture, and electronic information overload, it’s a wonder that any of us even remember to take care of our selves in a deeply connected way. In general, we are socialized to operate primarily in our minds, with occasional dips into physical awareness or spiritual connection.

It can leave many of us feeling disconnected from our true selves or dissatisfied with the quality of our lives. We don’t often stop to notice this state of being, and yet, it prevents us from being our best (and most productive and creative) selves.

What? Won’t I be more successful if I keep pushing myself to do more and keep going?

You won’t. Trust me. (or trust the data, your choice 😉 )

I’ve been able to stay clearly focused with a steady, centered energy all week. It feels as though I reset my nervous system and performed a brain reboot! That 24 hours spent feeding my soul became a gift that keeps on giving.

So……what takes you home to yourself?

Is it watching waves crash on an empty beach? Floating down a river in an inner tube? Attending a silent retreat? a yoga retreat? Listening to live chamber music? Reading poetry in a hammock? Cycling thru wine country? Getting lost in the beauty of an art gallery? Bird watching? Painting? Gardening?

You may notice a couple of themes emerging. Nature and art have a way of touching our souls and fueling them with a sustaining kind of energy not available elsewhere. Identify what speaks to you, and find ways to incorporate it into your life.

And, every once in a while, when the busyness of life starts to get to you, find the time to partake of your “soul-food” in doses big enough to take you far away from the hustle and bustle, and home to yourself. Your ‘return on investment’ will be worth it.

 

 

Stacey Miller is an Integral Life Coach based in Oakland, CA, and sole proprietor of Cultivating Possibility, her private coaching practice.

How To Cultivate More Self-Compassion

You hear a lot about being compassionate with yourself in the self-help research world these days. Kristin Neff, Brene Brown, just about every mindfulness guru and meditation instructor….there is a vast virtual library of information about self-compassion that is literally at our fingertips. So, naturally, given my interests and profession, this subject crosses my mind and desktop fairly often.

I don’t know about you, but given my strong inner-critic (as discussed in my recent post), self-compassion is something I’ve personally been working on for many years. And for me, it dovetails with so many other experiences: self-judgment, embarrassment (i.e. shame), heartbreak, anger, self-respect, vulnerability. Another big connection I draw is with our capacity for resilience. I’ll say more about this in a bit.

I strongly believe in the numerous benefits of self-compassion, because I have experienced how being kinder and more accepting towards myself has enabled me to operate with greater optimism in my own life, and to help others in developing their capacity for self-compassion. The ripple effect is that, as more of us do this work, kindness begins to spread.  And, as if that weren’t compelling enough in today’s cultural climate, self-compassion also enhances our effectiveness in achieving goals! The research has a fair amount to say about all the above, and I’ll share some additional thoughts that ring true for me on the subject. Perhaps they will resonate with you as well.

As I see it, most of us don’t really know how to feel bad.  I am not saying that we don’t feel bad. Of course we do. But we usually don’t know how to do so very effectively.  You’ll see what I mean, assuming you don’t think I’m completely nuts and stop reading here.

It’s my opinion that the majority of people in the U.S. grow up without being taught how to tolerate the experience of having difficult feelings. Often we’re discouraged from acknowledging our feelings, or even simply from having them. We may get the message, “you don’t have to get mad about it,” or “don’t be such a baby,” or “too bad, that’s life, kid.” I’m sure there are thousands of variations.

We even tell babies and children (and adults, too), “don’t cry,” as though there is something unacceptable about expressing emotions with tears. That’s likely not the intended message – we’re usually just trying to soothe and comfort, but how confusing must it be to a child to be told to stop having an emotional reaction that emerged involuntarily? Maybe it’s as confusing for them as it is uncomfortable for us to be with someone who is crying – because we haven’t been taught how to be with one anothers’ sadness or anger or hurt either.

How does this prepare us to ride out a lifetime of ups and downs?

It doesn’t. It teaches us to judge ourselves for having difficult emotional experiences. It teaches us to avoid, deny, deflect, hide, feel shame, escape, numb, resent, present with false bravado or cheer….this list goes on, too.  I think this is why so many people develop habits around using coping mechanisms that may not be terribly healthy for them. Bingeing on mindless television, junk food, alcohol, work, facebook, shopping, anything to keep the feelings at bay. How many more avoidance activities can you list? Personally, I have used all of these at times. Just to get away from feeling bad. And I’ve often done it without much conscious awareness of that fact. And guess what? When you don’t feel your feelings, you don’t work through them. They just keep surfacing in different ways without resolving (and thank god there are therapists to help us with those deeper struggles!).

With a little perspective, we may be able recognize that so-called “negative emotions” are not only normal and completely survivable, they can actually have some positive attributes. There are times when those dark thoughts can teach us things and lead to new insights. Sometimes, feeling heartbroken or defeated can lead us to pursue creative outlets or to try something new. Something we may experience as scary, like anger, can also be used as a force for good, fueling battles against injustice and enabling dis-empowered people to stand up for their own rights.

If we spend a little time exploring these feelings, we can also dig deeper and notice that, under what is often misplaced anger, there may be feelings of hurt and betrayal. Ouch. Those are hard to sit with. But what if we then consider what’s underneath that hurt and betrayal?  It’s quite likely there’s a feeling of vulnerability. Something tender, maybe shy or uncertain, perhaps worried that it won’t recover from being injured or that it will never be accepted by others. That fear of not belonging runs deep in our bones, and elicits all kinds of defense mechanisms.  It impacts our resilience as well.

So, I don’t know about you, but I can access and feel compassion for my own vulnerability, and that of others, far more easily than I can for anger or betrayal. If we can cultivate this mindset of recognizing and softening towards the underlying vulnerability, we can increase our self-compassion around our [insert your most difficult emotion], and our compassion for others’ challenging emotions as well. We can remember their humanity. We all have tender places inside of us. We just guard them differently and to different degrees, based on our internalized beliefs and past injuries.

And when we build greater capacity for being compassionate with ourselves and others in our common humanity, we necessarily become less reactive and more resilient to the ups and downs of interpersonal interaction.

To facilitate navigating our inner and outer lives with compassion, I believe we also need to cultivate respect for ourselves. This can help mitigate the inner-critic’s commentary as well.

Last year I attended a dinner at which Sharon Salzberg spoke, and she offered this gem: Practicing generosity helps cultivate self-respect. This stuck with me, because it immediately resonated. I know it has been true for me. It feels so good to give back, willingly and generously, of one’s time or talents. In fact, even if you’re doing it out of a sense of obligation, it’s hard not to feel a degree of respect for yourself for giving to others. As an added bonus, volunteering directly builds both connection and compassion.  It’s a triple hitter for well-being!  (I feel a few more posts percolating to unpack all of that.)

So, then, this. If we can practice being present and compassionate with ourselves and others more often, in the midst of the yucky emotional times as well as the good, it is a more poignant and real way to be “free” than by being reactive or escaping with some kind of heart and mind-numbing coping mechanism. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, by acknowledging and noticing our pain without judgment, we open to deeper connection with others, and this helps foster a greater sense of belonging. Feeling as though we belong can increase our resilience (and longevity, too!). It’s a veritable virtuous circle. One that I am continually making efforts to work on. Because the rewards are huge.

We are not one-dimensional. We might want to be, at times, when life’s difficulties feel too much to bear, but we are surrounded by a world of humanity, and if we can access that humanity, below the surface, in ourselves and in others, we can be fully present and experience the wonder of our multi-dimensionality as beings on this planet. That’s a really long sentence that sounds a little woo-woo, but I think it’s true nonetheless.

Just one last thing. I also believe this. Humor is an essential ingredient in life; we cannot take ourselves too seriously – not to minimize the fact that we have ginormous and completely valid feelings; yes, we do! – but/and, they are survivable, and if we allow them to surface with acceptance and compassion, we can develop deeper connections to ourselves and others, and then we can laugh together about this crazy little thing called life.

Now I must get out from in front of this screen and go be present on this beautiful day with my sweet pup!

With ever-growing love, respect and compassion for all of us,

Stacey

To begin practicing being present in a state of embodied mindfulness, which is essential to cultivating self-compassion, pause for a moment right now. Notice your posture. Sit upright and take a deep breath. Close your eyes. What sensations do you notice in your face and scalp? Your neck…shoulders…back…hips? Try to release any tension you are holding. Breathe in deeply for five seconds, then out for 5; repeat three more times. Notice your belly rising and falling with the breath. If emotion arises at any point, try to simply notice it, name it, and let it be. Can you also feel your heart beating?  Now place your attention on your arms and hands and feel whatever sensations are there. Slowly move your focus down your legs, and into your feet. What do you notice there? Can you feel the ground rising up to support you? Can you experience the stillness?

This is presence. Every once in a while, we need to just be. Try it for 10 minutes once a day for a month and see what happens.

 

5 Steps to Finding Fulfillment

Full disclosure: I am not necessarily a believer in the idea that everyone has a singular purpose in life, and that we would all wake up excited to go to work every day if only we could find our purpose.

Besides being a very privileged perspective, I think it’s a risky proposition. I mean, let’s be real. Most people work to live, not the other way around. And most are doing extremely valuable work that needs to get done, and there is great honor in that. So I’m not knocking it. Not one bit.

But what if you were in a position where you were feeling chronically disillusioned and discouraged by the daily grind, and it was beginning to take its toll on your psyche, and perhaps even your physical health? And what if you had the means to do something about it? Should you?

Well….perhaps. That’s a personal philosophical question that you can only answer, so I’ll just leave it there.

What I can do is tell you the steps I take with clients who are ready to find more fulfilling work and live in a way that is more consistently and authentically aligned with their personal values. A life that feels more balanced and intentional. Work that makes a positive impact in the world that they can feel excited about. And it necessarily requires addressing the whole person.

Because I like to make things easy to remember, I crafted my approach into 5 C’s that I use as an integral framework for guiding people to achieve greater fulfillment. It’s what worked for me, and I’ve seen it work for clients, too. Here’s my “secret sauce” (obvs not secret at all, but definitely zesty and nourishing).

1. Connecting to self – spend some time reviewing your beliefs, feelings, sensations, desires, and interests. Engaging in honest self-reflection and using mindfulness techniques are helpful practices for this foundational step.
2. Clarifying what’s most important to you – examine your values and needs, and work to identify the purpose that best aligns with who you are and how you want to live your life. What speaks to you and allows you to bring your best self to the world?
3. Community building – find your tribe, those who share your chosen purpose, for ongoing support and to enhance your well-being with a sense of belonging.
4. Cultivating the skills you need to align your life to your purpose – these may include developing your curiosity or creativity, setting boundaries, asking for help, or cultivating a growth mindset. They may also include specific job skills.
5. Creating the life you want to live – set priorities, make a plan, create a supportive environment, and commit to living authentically as you grow into your next chapter.

I believe we each have access to numerous avenues that can offer a sense of purpose and meaning. What’s most useful is to identify the one that calls to you in a particular way, that you can realistically bring within reach. This is why I call my practice “Cultivating Possibility.”  We can’t know what else is possible until we choose a new direction and start doing things differently than before.

It sounds so simple, right? Ha! Not so much. The truth is, many of us make partial efforts to move towards what we really want, only to get sidelined by life’s inherent complexities. Sometimes it takes repeated efforts before we find the determination to make it stick. Trust me, I know!  And generally, even when we are ready for it, we need some help in traversing the rocky terrain and completing the journey. This, too, I am intimately familiar with. That’s why I’m always happy to offer my thoughts on where to start if you’re struggling to generate forward movement. But I’m not here to sell you on my services. Really.  There are lots of ways to get the support you need to make a change. If you’re serious about living a more fulfilling life, I feel confident that you will find what you need – both internally and externally – to make it happen.

 

Note: If you are considering working with a coach, make sure you find a good fit. And if you think I might be that fit, take a look at my website and let’s have a chat to find out. A coaching program is a significant investment in yourself. It will be important to work with someone you feel comfortable with to ensure that mutual trust and respect can be established.

 

 

Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves?

It’s not just you. It’s present in people who exude confidence, too. We all have an internal voice that chastises us for not being good enough at certain things, and lets us know when we have screwed something up. The question is, how much do you let it run the show?

Although I have done a lot of work on taming my own Inner Critic over the years, it remains an ongoing process. It still pops up when I am feeling unsure of myself, when I make myself vulnerable, when I don’t reach the level of success I’d hoped for in a particular endeavor. After all these years, it still hasn’t moved out. We’ve been talking in my coaching consultation group about why this is. I mean really, what is the deal?! Well, here’s my understanding of it, which I hope will offer some helpful insight.

In one sense, our inner critic is trying to help us. It wants to push us to do our best, and to prevent the potential negative impacts of making mistakes. It thinks it’s being motivational. In reality, however, that is rarely the case, because it goes about it in a way that tears us down instead of giving us a boost.

Most often, that internal voice reinforces our fears of inadequacy and results in us feeling badly about ourselves. It generally takes a fair amount of self-reflection to recognize just how ubiquitous this self-judgment can be. Often, we compound its effects by comparing ourselves to others – so easy to do in our critical and competitive culture – and our self-esteem takes the hit. Ironically, despite its best intentions, this inner voice tends to reduce our confidence, and therefore diminishes the way we show up and makes us less effective.

So what are we to do?

First, we must learn to recognize it, so we can begin to catch it while it’s in the act of delivering a critical remark. One way to do this is by practicing mindfulness to increase present awareness. In the quiet stillness of sitting with yourself, it is easier to hear the thoughts bubbling up and to simply notice them without embracing them as true. It doesn’t take long! They are often right there near the surface, causing you stress. Once you can notice them during a few minutes of sitting still, you become more skilled at noticing them when you’re going about your day.

Okay, great, you may be thinking. I am more aware of my critical self-judgments. So what? They still feel like crap.

But what if you offered your Inner Critic a little compassion and asked what it wants from you? Is it worried about you and wanting to protect you from others’ criticism? Is it angry that you aren’t perfect because somewhere along the line it internalized the belief that you should be? Does it need to be comforted because it’s feeling embarrassed by something?

I suspect it is honestly trying to help in some way. It just has a rough way about it. It is not skillful in communicating with kindness and compassion. You have to teach it by treating it in such a manner. You already know how to treat your friends with compassion. You don’t tell them they are stupid when they make a mistake, do you? (if you do, please call me right away for an emergency coaching session!) So try being gentle with your Inner Critic, too. Even the Grinch needs to be loved.

You can also work to set some boundaries that can limit its impact on your psyche. One way to do this is to recognize where you developed this internal voice.  Does it ever sound like someone else in your life? A relative or instructor? Peers who reinforced your self-doubt to defend their own? Can you hear those echoes and call your Critic on it? “Hmm, I see who you’re channeling there. Nice try! I know you feel bad, but you are not helping. We’re going to get through this. I am enough.”

Your approach may depend on your relationship with your inner voice, and different strategies may be more effective at different times. You can’t know until you try employing them. For most of us, harsh self-judgment is a deeply ingrained habit that isn’t easily shaken. It may help to get some support, and I offer two books below as resources.

While it takes effort, mitigating the effects of your Inner Critic can yield great benefits. Among other things, it can help boost your confidence, make you more effective in relationships, and open you up to new experiences in life. Because you really are perfectly imperfect. Just like me.

Wishing you deep self-compassion and self-acceptance on this journey called life.

Take my Anonymous, One-question Survey to share what topics you’d like to hear more about in future posts. 

Recommended Resources: There are two books I highly recommend for working on managing your Inner Critic. If you’re a new-comer to such work, I suggest Taming Your Gremlin, by Rick Carson. He even makes it fun, and it has great illustrations. For a deeper dive, try Soul Without Shame: a Guide to Liberating Yourself from the Judge Within, by Byron Brown. To ensure practical application, Brown concludes each chapter with Points to Remember and an exercise to supplement your knowledge.   

 If you liked this, please feel free to check out my earlier blog posts on WordPress, here.  You might also enjoy following me on Facebook and Instagram for additional inspirati

on, or you can read more about my coaching biz and book a Free 30-minute Consultation from my website.

 

I’m Stacey Miller, blogger, entrepreneur, and professional coach. My private coaching practice is centered around helping busy professionals cultivate work-life balance, engage in the career transition process, and develop leadership skills no matter their role. As a certified Integral Coach® with HR expertise, I offer both a business perspective and a holistic approach to development that will support your personal and professional growth in ways that can serve you for the long-term.

 

Personal Lessons in Self-Care

As you may have noticed (or not) I took a couple of weeks off from writing blog posts. Life simply got busy and I had to re-prioritize. I noted to myself that blogging was something I “wanted” to do, and not a “must” do, since it’s not contributing to my income in any way, and isn’t a critical pathway to peace of mind for me. So I didn’t let it become a “should,” either. I did, however, get away for a gorgeous weekend of car camping with my wife and dog, which definitely met those ‘peace of mind’ needs.

As my wife commented that weekend, if you’re someone who loves the outdoors, camping can be an opportunity to focus on nothing but dedicated self-care. You get to sleep until you wake up to the sounds of nature (or perhaps the playful voices of nature-made kids in a nearby campsite). Then you can just lay there until you feel like getting up. If you feel cold, you make a fire and a hot drink (although apparently, if the dog’s cold, he gets my jacket). If you’re hungry, you cook some food. If you’re feeling restless, you go out for a hike. See something pretty? Stare at it for a while and maybe take a picture. If you feel like it, read a book. If you want to take a nap, snuggle up with the dog in the tent. For us, lounging amongst the redwoods while taking care of our most basic personal needs as they come up is the ultimate in nourishing self-care. No clocks, no phones, no schedules, no screens of any kind. Ahhh…..

It’s different for everyone, of course. It all depends on what feels most nourishing to you. And even then sometimes, despite the best-laid plans, it’s hit or miss.

This week I went away for a makeshift ‘work retreat.’ And after 3 days, I’m not yet sure if it’s a hit or a miss. I knew it could go either way, because I planned a rather emotionally complex getaway. I am staying at my mom’s house, while she and her husband are out of town, and it’s the first time I have stayed overnight here since I moved out during college. I’ve had a pretty complicated relationship with my mother over the years, and, like many others, our family system was complicated and dysfunctional. And thus, being here, steeped in nostalgia, feels complicated.

I’ve felt myself torn between the pull to regress and engage in unhealthy, indulgent, escapist behaviors, and my more mature desire to ground myself and exercise the deep skills I have developed to engage in actually nourishing self-care.

To be honest, I’ve done a little of both. It seems like I needed to get a little of that youthful escapism out of my system in order to evolve back into my adult self. I didn’t go too overboard ~ had a little wine, purchased a few inexpensive non-essentials, visited with an old friend over an amazing meal, watched a movie, ate too many sweets, got nearly zero work done in the first two days (though one of them entailed 6 hours of driving!) ~ and at the same time I maintained an awareness of what I was doing and how it felt along the way. By the third day, I felt like I was ready to get down to business, and found myself wanting to be productive.

But guess what?

I wasn’t.

That third day felt sluggish. I was tired. My brain wouldn’t focus. I couldn’t get my creative juices flowing. I didn’t understand why. Was it all the driving, hot sun and sugar? Was I emotionally thrown back into my teens? I felt moderately discouraged. I tried to reboot. I had an extra coffee. I went for a quick swim. I walked with my dog down to the beach. I tried to process how I was feeling. I journaled. I talked to my wife. I sat on the serene patio with my thoughts and the bubbling fountain. I meditated. I read an inspiring self-help book. Nothing changed how I was feeling, which was still rather nondescript, and I still had no real insight into what was going on for me.

So I finally gave into it and decided to just let go of it. I stopped trying to do anything about it. I decided it was okay if I didn’t understand it yet, recognizing that there could be a combination of many possible factors contributing to my malaise, and knowing things would shift in their own time. I thought, WTH, I’m just going to watch a movie and get to bed early. Maybe I will feel more like myself in the morning. I was done even trying to simply “be” with it.

That sounds pretty straightforward, right? Yet I didn’t even get this quite right on the first try. My initial impulse was to watch a fluffy rom-com that would simply allow my mind to relax. But instead I first picked a movie that I thought might offer me food for thought and passively provide a creative boost to my sluggish mind by morning. Fifteen minutes into it I could tell it didn’t have the depth I’d anticipated, and then there was a scene that was blatantly racist, so I stopped it immediately. I found a fluffy rom-com that wasn’t terribly sexist. I was entertained. My mind relaxed. Perhaps following my instincts was helpful!

This morning I woke up feeling refreshed. I took the dog and went out for a coffee and some groceries first thing. And then, I sat down and wrote this. It may not be anything brilliant, but it’s evidence that my brain is back in business, and that something (or perhaps all the things) I did yesterday allowed me to get to a more grounded and clear-headed space.

More than that, it’s evidence that I have made enormous progress in knowing and taking care of myself since I last lived in this place. Some part of me can be physically and mentally immersed in the past, yet my emotional self can get grounded in the present, relying on skills I’ve developed over the years. It’s been, and continues to be, an interesting and complex journey, one that hasn’t been terribly easy.

And I have to say, it feels incredibly liberating to be here now.

Recovering from Burnout – a journey

Before I got a handle on my stress and eventually left a stable career after 11½ years at one of the country’s top employers, I was literally falling apart. What I mean is that I had a series of fairly serious and at-least-tangentially-stress-related health problems, one after the other.

Does this sound familiar? It may. Perhaps you have had the same experience. Or perhaps it sounds familiar because you read my last post about what to do when your work depletes you. But this entry is about how I recovered from that experience, rather than how I coped with it during my employment. I was also transitioning to a completely different lifestyle, which may not be the case for you, although at some point down the road, you’re likely to face that, too.

As I’ve said, there was absolutely nothing wrong with my job. LOTS of people would have been thrilled to have it. Okay, maybe not thrilled, exactly, but they likely would have felt extremely fortunate to work there. I did. Seriously, it was a great company to work for, if you’re choosing to work in the corporate world. But that’s just it – I was simply not suited to the corporate environment. It took me a long time to admit it to myself, because it was such a coveted place and I got a lot of external validation for my skills. So it took even longer to acknowledge my unhappiness more publicly by leaving.

When I finally left, I was SO RELIEVED. I was FREE!!! What a miracle, I’d actually arrived at a day that felt like it might never come. And yet… The next two years were some of the most growthful of my entire life, and a good chunk of that time was pretty challenging.

It’s not that I didn’t have a plan. I did. I was half way through my year-long professional coaching certification program, having identified that as the part of my job I’d loved the most all along, and I planned to launch my own coaching business as soon as I’d graduated. And, in fact, I did all of that. But….

It was a lot harder than I’d bargained for, even with all the warnings people had tried to give me. I don’t mean that it was hard mechanically. I was able to build a website and order business cards, and rent an office, and join a women’s entrepreneurs group, and do all the bits of business necessary to establish oneself professionally. It was the emotional piece that was hard. Despite all of my ongoing personal development work and efforts to increase self-awareness, it took me some time to realize what was really going on for me, and why it felt so hard. I don’t want that same kind of thing to happen to you, so I thought I would share my experience and insights, with the hope that it might help you avoid at least some of the struggle I experienced.

If you haven’t ever left your job without jumping quickly into another one, or into one in which you are the sole proprietor, it’s hard to explain how it feels to be in between established identities, and to suddenly have so little structure after decades of office work. You know that phenomenon in which you have far more to do than you can possibly accomplish, and you become twice as productive as usual? Well, it turns out there is also an equal and opposite corollary. With far less to do, and no firm deadlines by which to do it, there can be a productivity vacuum. Not everyone will experience this, to be sure, but if you’ve been burned out for some time, it’s more likely than not that you will need to allow yourself some recovery time before you’re able to become really productive again. For some people, as well, there will be an adjustment to the loss of identity experienced when leaving a long-standing career.

From what I’ve observed (and experienced) recovering from burnout is a complicated and individualized process. There isn’t a formula, nor an established timeline, or even a clear pattern that it necessarily follows. It has many elements. These may include grieving the loss of any number of aspects of one’s former work – the people, the rewards, the financial security, the feeling of clarity about one’s role. The post-it notes and pens and binder clips that invariably made their way into your computer bag… (come on, you know it happens sometimes!).  Other elements may be a physical recovery from all the wear and tear of working long hours while getting too little sleep, or suffering from stress-related ailments. Or the mental and emotional recovery from the stress of being in a job that left you feeling unhappy, resentful, or simply empty, day in and day out, for however many years it was.

It can take a long time to reach a new normal that feels….well, normal. If you’re taking an extended period of time off work, or you’re retiring, it’s entirely possible that you could spend months vacillating between feeling free and breezy to feeling bored and lazy, from loving the solitude and quiet, to feeling lonely and isolated. Everyone has their own response to such a big change.  You may find yourself sleeping long hours and/or watching a lot of TV at first, and having feelings or judgments about that. You might become a social butterfly and schedule activities with available friends every day to stay busy, yet wonder what your purpose is. Or you may find yourself wanting to sit and drink your morning coffee while staring into space for half an hour every day. You might voraciously consume the daily newspaper, making up for years of not having the time to read it as much as you’d wanted. Whatever you find yourself doing, it’s natural to have judgments and feelings about your new behaviors, because they are so different from your former routine and identity, and you are not sure where you are headed on this new journey.

Any or all of these reactions are perfectly okay. It’s not only normal, but important to spend some time adjusting to your new circumstances. It takes a while to decompress from a deeply depleting work situation, and to recover your sense of self. It can take even longer to find a new rhythm, and new ways of structuring your life as you embark on your next chapter. I’m not talking weeks here. I am talking months and potentially a couple of years before you really feel grounded in a new way of being in your life.

I believe there are ways to facilitate this process that can help make it both more bearable and more fruitful. First, I think it’s important to allow yourself a few weeks, possibly months if you’re able, to simply rest. To allow the rhythm of your days to unfold organically – even if for you, organic means organizing your household closets or having a new routine (so long as it’s a relaxing routine of choice). In other words, allow yourself to be drawn to whatever feels right for you, unless it’s detrimental to your overall health. Do keep an eye out for dangerous habits or the onset of depression, and check in with others periodically to get an outside perspective on any worrying signs. Barring that, it’s okay to let yourself wander and putz around, and see what emerges. This can be a great time to keep a journal or talk  to a therapist, as a way of exploring what this process brings up for you. You may have some dark days. Yeah, they suck, but try to just be with them. See what you notice. And engage in lots of nourishing self-care.

As you begin to regain your energy and focus, or feel ready (or financially compelled) to expand beyond this initial phase, you may find it useful to begin finding more structure for your days, if you hadn’t already naturally gravitated toward that. Even if you tend to prefer less structure as a rule, having none can keep most people stuck in a place where they aren’t at their best.  One simple way to address both structure and purpose, and to meet new people, is to volunteer somewhere or find part-time work that you truly enjoy. The beauty of this is that not only will it feed your soul, it will also bolster your self-esteem (and ideally tide you over until your next venture is flourishing). AND, it may lead to new opportunities that you hadn’t previously considered possible. This can be a great precursor to a new career, if that’s where you’re headed.

Another great way to establish some structure while also stimulating growth is with a new physical activity that involves at least one other person. We all know how important exercise is for both physical and mental health, and that doing it with another person provides more incentive and accountability to stick with it. Trying something new adds a dimension of adventure and growth that makes it all the more worthwhile.

I also recommend pursuing some kind of creative outlet, whether it’s a hobby you had let languish, planting a new garden, dancing, painting, or cultivating your creativity more deliberately by guiding yourself through a book like The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. If you’re feeling isolated, try joining others in such an activity. If you’re finding yourself keeping busy all the time, try a solitary activity to spend time connecting with yourself.

If you were burned out for a long time before you liberated yourself, it’s likely going to take you a while longer to feel as though you are completely recovered from the grind you’ve left behind. So be patient with yourself. Remember those self-care essentials in order to keep yourself moving in a positive direction.

Beyond these steps, this is really your opportunity to move your life in a direction that is personally rewarding and more balanced than before. Get yourself a mentor if you are moving onto a new career path, and prepare to launch your whole self into your new venture with a more grounded, soulful, and inspired presence of mind. It’s not always going to be easy, but you can certainly make it magical by staying true to yourself.

What to Do When Your Job Depletes You

(That’s my helpful and intuitive cat, Jasper)

Not so long ago, I took a 5-year journey of discovery into how to continually replenish my reserves.  I had a “great” job at a great company with great people and great comp and benefits, and while it was reasonably demanding and challenging,  I was disproportionately unhappy with it. I tried hard to be grateful for all that it offered, and I truly did appreciate that, but eventually I determined that, on the whole, I was better off without it.

I’m pretty sure lots of folks thought I was nuts for leaving a secure position at a company consistently ranked as one of Fortune’s top 100 US employers (often in the top 10).  Especially since I would have become eligible for my second 6-week paid sabbatical had I stayed on for another 6 months! That’s how certain I was that I was ready to take the leap. But it took me a long time – and a lot of self-care and self-discovery – to get there.

Leaving your job and changing careers may not be the answer for everyone ~ it’s not for most of my clients. Only you can figure out what’s right for you, and it’s not always easy. For those of us who are well established in stressful positions, that assessment usually takes a fair amount of time. But before you complete such an assessment, you’re there. In your exhausting job. You’re depleted. Which means you’re probably also a bit grumpy or depressed.  So how do you cope?

I honestly don’t recommend taking the route I took. It was long and circuitous. Too long. During the first four of those last five years I had appendicitis, shingles, a lingering back injury, and one middle of the night panic attack. Crazy, right? However! my last year in the job was by far healthier and more enjoyable than the four before it, because I found ways to make it work for me. That, in turn, gave me the mental space and clarity I needed to figure out what I wanted to do, and to make a plan. Mine was to leave that world as a full-time employee and become a coach and entrepreneur. And, apparently, though I didn’t know it at the time, a sometimes-blogger.

By now you may be wondering if I am actually going to offer any ideas about what to do. Yes! I am indeed. Here they are, dear reader.

The current wisdom (okay, and research) strongly suggests that mindfulness practices, and meditation, in particular, can be of great help in many ways. I agree. I believe that such practices can be hugely beneficial for quieting the mind, increasing focus and productivity, reducing reactivity, developing deeper compassion and empathy. All wonderful things. And they don’t take a lot of time to achieve. According to some of the research, as little as 10 minutes a day can offer significant benefits.

At the same time, I find that most people I meet either don’t feel that this is the path they want to take, or they have not been able to commit themselves to it on a consistent enough basis to create a rewarding and self-reinforcing practice. Myself included. I do find that in times of stress or overwhelm, a 10 minute meditation break often does wonders for my mindset, not to mention my heart rate, but I also find it hard to remind myself to take that 10 minutes every single day (it’s kind of silly, really, but that’s the truth of the matter). So I’ll admit that I’m not the best role model for meditation. I’m working on that, and it’s definitely improving over time. So I encourage you to TRY.

But what else can we do? You may have noticed from my previous posts that I have a personal conviction that human connection is an element of critical importance to a fulfilling life. So it probably won’t surprise you when I say that building a deeper connection to yourself and others is something I strongly encourage us all to work on, as a lifelong practice. And there are lots of ways to do this without joining a meditation sangha.

First, you need to make some space for yourself. See my post on 5 Simple Ways to Create More Time for You. (Yes, I know, the fifth item is meditating 10 minutes a day, which we’ve already been over. So if you’re already doing that or have already decided not to try it, give the other four a shot.)  It can be quite liberating to learn to say no more often, and often mutually beneficial to ask for help. Get more realistic and give yourself a break by dropping some “shoulds” from your list. Take more actual breaks to increase your creative energy, focus, and productivity when you are trying to get things done. Begin practicing and building these skills into your repertoire. And see if there are other ways you can get more of your time and life back. Can you telecommute one (more) day a week? Can you stagger your hours to shorten your commute or maximize your peak energy periods in the day? Can you commute differently so that you can use that time for either work or “you-time,” depending on what you need? Get creative, and you may be surprised by how many options you can come up with.

Second, did you read my post on how to make friends in mid-life as a near introvert? Feeling a sense of belonging is crucial to our well-being.  So, there are lots of great suggestions there, but I’ll recap a bit for you. It involves pursuing your passions and feeling a sense of joy and purpose outside of work. Take a couple of hours for yourself and join a class that supports a hobby you have let lapse or would like to pick up. Book club, drumming, languages, dancing, softball.  Volunteer in your community for a cause you believe in, with others who value giving back. You’ll find it does your soul a world of good. You may worry that it will make life even busier, but in my experience it has the opposite effect in terms of how it feels. It’s a slowing down of time for connection, and supplements your life in ways that feel expansive because of what you gain by giving back.

Third, and this is a MUST, engage in fiercely dedicated self-care. This may mean cutting an hour of screen time to go to bed earlier so you can get enough sleep. It may mean exercising vigorously for 10 minutes a day just to get some blood pumping through your veins at a healthy pace often enough to have some positive impact. It may mean buying pre-cut produce or organic DIY dinner kits to make sure you eat well. It may mean taking a bath with a mug of chamomile tea instead of watching CSI with a couple of glasses of wine so that the sleep you get is better quality. It may mean ensuring that you get out in nature a couple of times a week, even if it’s just to the local park with the redwoods or to pick fruit at a community orchard. Why bother, you may ask?  Because it greatly increases your resilience, as I explain further in my post, 5 Self-care Essentials You Need to Know.

What does excellent self-care mean for you??  What’s nice is that, as a grown-up, you get to decide!  You also have the power to prioritize your time accordingly. Just don’t delude yourself into thinking that your TV-and-wine routine is actually more restful than a bath or a good book with a cuppa calming tea. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes all I’m up for is TV-and-wine, and that’s totally fine. I’m gonna sink into it and fully enjoy it! And maybe it’s exactly what I need. I just try to be aware of the unintended impact it may later have on my body and psyche when I’m already depleted – because that’s when every shred of self-care matters.

As a coach, a lot of my work centers around helping people find a greater sense of balance in their lives. Because, let’s face it, our culture places great value on being busy (we all know the standard office elevator exchange, right?: “hi, how are you?” “busy! you?” “yeah, things are crazy.”).  Many of us feel locked into our life choices once we have achieved a certain standard of living or reached a certain age. However, you can choose to manage your life differently and feel a greater sense of contentment and spaciousness. You just have to want it badly enough to figure out a way to get from here to there.

So go ahead, check in with yourself. What is it that you need right now?

5 Self-Care Essentials You Need to Know

Depending on your circumstances, day to day life can sometimes be difficult and stressful. And there are times when current events make it feel even harder.  The constant bombardment of images and words can eat into our souls and wear us down. I know I’ve personally struggled to make sense of the world in recent weeks, not for the first time, and it takes its toll. Such times are when we must be especially committed to  self-care, and intentional about taking a break from the constant stream of information to find respite. This is how we build resilience.  And yet, if your work or life entails spending a great deal of time around trauma, or if you live in a state of chronic overwhelm and dissatisfaction, then engaging in nourishing self-care is something you will benefit from paying attention to on a regular basis. Trust me; I learned this lesson the hard way!

When I was commuting 2-3 hours a day round-trip for a corporate job, it was hard to figure out how to best use my time away from work (when I wasn’t checking email for work). My work could often be draining, and I was not ideally suited for the corporate environment. So I didn’t have a lot of energy most of the time.  I wanted to eat well, and I love to cook, but I found myself relying on a lot of prepared foods (thank you neighborhood Trader Joe’s!). I wanted to exercise and get enough rest, but most of the time I felt like I had to choose between one or the other.  I knew that if all I did was sit on the couch in front of the TV with a glass or two of wine, I would have less energy in the morning, and yet, that was what sounded both possible and most appealing at the time!

Sound familiar?

For many of us, life is stressful. Sometimes ridiculously so. And what’s often the first thing to fall off the To-Do list? Particularly for women, it’s usually the very thing you need to help keep your head above water. Self-care. You must place the oxygen mask on yourself first for a reason, ladies! It’s critical that we engage in restorative practices in order to continue being there for both ourselves and others. Some are so basic, and yet….we think we can do without them. Not so. Everyone knows that optimal health requires us to eat well and get plenty of exercise. We hear this all the time.  But there’s more to it than that.

Here are five more important ways you can maintain your ‘get-up-and-go’ on an ongoing basis. Just don’t forget to fit in a little vacation now and then as well.

#1   Let’s start with the good news. You should be taking more breaks from your work.  Yay!! You can get more done if you work less. For reals, people! Here’s the data.

From an article in The Atlantic, September, 2014:

“DeskTime, a productivity app that tracks employees’ computer use, peeked into its data to study the behavior of its most productive workers. The highest-performing 10 percent tended to work for 52 consecutive minutes followed by a 17-minute break. Those 17 minutes were often spent away from the computer, said Julia Gifford at The Muse, by talking a walk, doing exercises, or talking to coworkers.”

From a June, 2012 NYT article:

“When it comes to productivity and concentration, everyone has a different capacity. Management should encourage employees to devise individually effective break routines, Dr. Levine says. But he also has some general guidelines: try working in intense 15-minute bursts, punctuated by breaks, in cycles that are repeated throughout the day. This works because “the thought process is not designed to be continuous,” he says.”

And just in case you need more evidence to convince your boss, here’s a Huff Post article from November, 2015, citing 5 Science Backed Ways Taking a Break Boosts Our Productivity:

“We prize this idea of being busy, and see taking a break or getting distracted as a problem.

In reality, rest and relaxation are tools our bodies and minds are trying desperately to get us to use.

Most of us are aware that taking breaks from physical activity is necessary to recuperate and prevent injuries. Taking breaks in our mental work is equally helpful, and can be a great boost to our productivity as well.”

So give it a try. Practice it for a day. Then two days. Practice for two weeks. See what happens!

#2   Feeling tired? The most important thing for your well-being, and IMHO the most disregarded, especially for working parents and those in corporate or start-up environments, is sleep. It’s far too often the first to go. Because we think it will give us more time. Well, sure, it does…but how effective will you be during that time if you’re sleep deprived? Far less effective than you feel, actually.  And given item number one on this list, you can afford to re-prioritize sleep more often, I promise. Plus, getting enough sleep will give you more energy to move and get some exercise. Which will help you sleep better. Ta da! It’s a virtual virtuous cycle.

According to the National Institutes of Health:

“Sleep plays a vital role in good health and well-being throughout your life. Getting enough quality sleep at the right times can help protect your mental health, physical health, quality of life, and safety.

The way you feel while you’re awake depends in part on what happens while you’re sleeping. During sleep, your body is working to support healthy brain function and maintain your physical health.”

“After several nights of losing sleep—even a loss of just 1–2 hours per night—your ability to function suffers as if you haven’t slept at all for a day or two.”

“studies show that sleep deficiency harms your driving ability as much as, or more than, being drunk.”

And just how much is enough? What constitutes deficiency?

“Adults need 7-8 hours of sleep a night. If you’re consistently getting less than that, you may need to consider the impact this could be having on your health, productivity, and overall functioning. Perhaps it’s time to shift some priorities around.”

How much actual sleep are you getting? What’s delaying it? What’s interrupting it? Can you make one change that might help you get more sleep even three nights a week? I invite you to make the effort. It can make a world of difference over time.

#3   Sitting is Lethal! Not immediately, obvs. But the more you sit for long periods of time, the worse it is for your health – even if you exercise strenuously every day!  Find that hard to wrap your head around? Sadly, it’s true. But you can counter that fairly easily. Read on.

From NYT Magazine, April, 2014, Is Sitting a Lethal Activity? (didn’t I just say it was? 🙂

“This is your body on chairs: Electrical activity in the muscles drops — “the muscles go as silent as those of a dead horse,” Hamilton says — leading to a cascade of harmful metabolic effects. Your calorie-burning rate immediately plunges to about one per minute, a third of what it would be if you got up and walked. Insulin effectiveness drops within a single day, and the risk of developing Type 2 diabetes rises. So does the risk of being obese.”

And here’s the good news. Phew!

“The good news is that inactivity’s peril can be countered. Working late one night at 3 a.m., Dr. Levine coined a name for the concept of reaping major benefits through thousands of minor movements each day: NEAT, which stands for Non-Exercise Activity Thermogenesis. In the world of NEAT, even the littlest stuff matters. McCrady-Spitzer showed me a chart that tracked my calorie-burning rate with zigzagging lines, like those of a seismograph. “What’s that?” I asked, pointing to one of the spikes, which indicated that the rate had shot up. “That’s when you bent over to tie your shoes,” she said. “It took your body more energy than just sitting still.”

It doesn’t take much to break up the still-sitting, muscle-sleeping, zombie-like position at your desk. Better yet, rig  up a standing work station or get yourself a set of pedals for under your desk. Hint: they only help if you use them. (I didn’t after the first week, oops)

#4   Why don’t you just go take a hike?! It’s an excellent question. Because getting out in nature is good for pretty much everything. And so is exercise. But back to nature…

According to UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, How Nature Can Make You Kinder, Happier, and More Creative:

“Scientists are beginning to find evidence that being in nature has a profound impact on our brains and our behavior, helping us to reduce anxiety, brooding, and stress, and increase our attention capacity, creativity, and our ability to connect with other people.”

Now, you may only be able to get out for an actual hike on the weekends, but I’ll bet you can access pockets of nature in your immediate surroundings if you seek them out. So take a moment on one of those breaks from work to soak in the smell of a tree and the beauty of leaves rustling in the wind. It’s healing, and it’s free. Doesn’t get much better than that.

#5   Everyone needs to feel a sense of belonging and community to support their well-being. This blog is focused on connection. See some of my other posts to learn how to cultivate connection in a variety of ways – making new friends, reaching out to others who are different from you to broaden your horizons and appreciate our common humanity. Here’s why this matters for your health.

From a current Stanford University, Be Well @ Stanford article:

“Studies indicate that “social capital” is one of the biggest predictors for health, happiness, and longevity. The problem: we often do not recognize the importance of social connection. Our culture values hard work, success, and wealth, so it’s no surprise some of us do not set aside enough time for social ties when we think security lies in material things rather than other people.”

Although this is a key to wellness that we know factors into longevity, we may not often think to attend to it actively. It takes effort, especially if you’re somewhat introverted. But the ROI makes it well worth it. This may be one of the most enriching things you can do for yourself. And you’ll have the focus and energy to do it if you take care of some of your other basic needs as well.

It’s a shame when we allow insufficient self-care to get in the way of finding more enjoyment in life. I know, because I’ve been there!  It’s helpful to recognize that strengthening your capacity for self-care usually involves making changes to other behaviors – learning to prioritize and communicate more effectively for better results, finding ways to connect to both ourselves and others more deeply, identifying and dismantling the obstacles that have been keeping us from forward progress.

These things are absolutely doable. They are within reach. And you deserve the time and attention it takes to ensure your personal well-being. No one else is going to do it for you (though you can receive support and guidance). Start making your cognitive, emotional, and physical health a priority so you can go on enjoying all the sweetness life has to offer for decades to come. I promise you, it will be worth it.

 

Cultivating the Courage to Connect

In the wake of the killings of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile at the hands of police, I last blogged from a place of grief and anger. I fell prey to some of the rampant polarization happening in our country right now. There is a huge pull to do so at times like this. I was incredibly frustrated by the reactions of those who defend police brutality against Blacks by blaming the victim, and by all the other injustices that Black folks regularly face as they participate in institutions that still reflect our country’s racist roots. I let myself become infuriated by the insistently willful ignorance of many vocal White citizens claiming that they do not recognize the repeatedly explained meaning of “Black Lives Matter,” as though they are incapable of understanding the implicit “too” or the fact that it is a counter to the many measureable indicators that Black lives don’t matter as much as others in this country.

I grieve, too, the loss of the Dallas police officers, which was all the more tragic because their department had actually been making significant progress in reducing use of force and improving community relations. And yet, I recently realized, these losses have given the Dallas Chief of Police a national platform on which to promote positive leadership. When this occurred to me, I realized that I was starting to return to a place of greater compassion and beginning to see a glimmer of hope.

I have also found myself wanting to fix it all; to make things right; to give our Black neighbors a different experience of living in their own country. But I can’t. I can’t do that. This is all so much bigger than me. And I’m deeply afraid that things will get worse before they get better.

I know that I am not alone in that fear. In fact, my fear is likely (and appropriately) dwarfed by that of those truly at risk for harm in the current dynamic.

Before I go on, I offer this disclaimer: what follows are my impressions. I cannot claim to speak accurately for anyone. This is merely how I am trying to understand what is going on in our country right now. To try to make sense of it. In an effort to try to build empathy. You are under zero obligation to read it. But if you do, I ask you to consider it with an attitude of curiosity. From whatever your perspective. Curiosity requires Courage. It can sometimes feel vulnerable because it means staying open in the face of fear. So I also ask you to trust that I am writing with the utmost respect and consideration for all of humanity.

I believe it is the underlying experience of fear that drives so much of the polarization we see laid bare in the broad spectrum of media platforms that surround us.

Our Black brothers and sisters fear for their lives on a daily basis. They fear the police. They fear the court system. They fear vigilantes. Those who live with poverty and oppression often fear the dangers of gun violence from some of the people in their own communities who have reacted to their circumstances with destructive behaviors (this is a normal human response, btw, but that would be a lengthy tangent).

Our police fear for their lives on a daily basis. Despite their training, they are human. They fear violent encounters with armed citizens. They fear being identified with the inappropriate actions of their colleagues. They appear to fear expressing sorrow for the actions of their more brutal colleagues. I expect they also fear vigilantes and retaliation.

Some of our more vocal and conservative White citizens fear something more elusive. They fear being personally blamed for the wrongs being committed in our communities, for racism, and for racial disparities in safety and security. They fear having someone with a different background and appearance in charge of things that matter to them. They appear to fear for their safety, needing to arm themselves against future threats. They fear the unknown, unfamiliar, uncertain future of a nation in which they may soon become a minority and/or lose hold of the majority of power.

Regardless of its “legitimacy” in others’ eyes, very real fear exists in many forms. You can’t deny a person their fear. It simply is. And when it’s fully activated, fear does not facilitate rational thought. Adrenaline and cortisol are activated, and our limbic systems engage us in a fight, flight or freeze response. Thus, when our fear is not sending us cowering or running away, it breeds defensiveness, hostility and sometimes violence. Some of us can get stuck in this place of fear, and our behaviors continue to reflect our instinctual – but not effectively adaptive – response. We just keep on fighting.

So how do we counter fear?

With courage.

It takes courage to admit that we have resisted acknowledging some of the realities that exist in our culture. It takes courage to stop buying into political rhetoric and really listen to the people affected by circumstances outside of their immediate control. It takes courage to open up to those who are different than us. Courage to ask about their experience and listen without getting defensive. Courage to believe that their experience is as valid as ours, and that it’s not our business to challenge their pain.

It takes courage to develop a new way of being in this world.

You don’t have to say, “I am responsible for this situation.”

You don’t have to say, “I have been afraid to acknowledge your perspective.”

You don’t have to say, “I am a bad person for having my beliefs.”

No one is asking you to say any of these things.

It would be courageous of you to say, “I’d like to understand your experience and try to learn something from it.”

It would be courageous to say, “It feels like you think I’m a bad person and that hurts.”

It would be courageous to say, “I am afraid that something will be taken away from me if you get something more than you already have.”

It would be incredibly courageous of you to say, “I have been afraid of you because of what you represent to me, even though I don’t actually know you.”

Until we begin acting courageously, we will remain stuck in this repeating loop. Some people have been stepping up. I saw #BLM protesters crossing the street and hugging counter-protesters in Dallas. I saw #BLM protesters shaking the hands of the Beverly Hills PD and saying thank you to them. I saw police hugging the pitties that BAD RAP brought to their #BLM protest (and letting the dogs kiss them), after peacefully protecting BAD RAP’s right to protest in the Bay Area. I saw citizens, mostly Black, lining up to protect the police in Baltimore.

These are the kind of acts that take courage and build connection. This is not the only path we can pave, but it is a critical one if we want to reach a positive outcome.

I am not saying that there is not a place for anger. Anger can often clarify right and wrong, and it can fuel the fight for justice. It can give us the courage to stand up for what’s right and speak our truth. It can help us build momentum. But it will not be the thing that solves the many problems we face as a nation in severe conflict.

I am making a commitment to start practicing greater courage by taking more courageous actions (some of which clearly must involve hugging) and offering more courageous statements to those people who hold beliefs that differ from mine. I commit to doing so with curiosity and as much compassion as I can muster, even if the other person can’t match it. I am committing to doing what is within my power to make positive change in this messed up world.

Will you join me, America?

Cultivating Equality, Post-Orlando

Celebrating SF Pride was truly bittersweet this past weekend. I always feel my heart swell at the sight of so many folks coming together in community, sharing that sense of belonging that comes of being surrounded by people who not only understand, but share and/or celebrate some elemental part of you that is not universally accepted. It often brings tears of joy to my eyes. This year, I first found myself welling up on Friday evening for a different reason, when my wife and I went to the corner of 18th and Castro to visit the memorial for the victims of the Orlando massacre. It was impressive and heart-breaking, so full of love and loss, sorrow and solidarity. It brought those same sentiments rushing into my heart all at once, filling me up. I breathed it in deeply. Welcome to Pride, I thought. We are strong and resilient.

We went from there to watch a documentary at the film festival about the Check It, an African-American street gang of gay and transgender youth struggling to survive in some of the most violent neighborhoods of Washington DC.  They formed the Check It to protect themselves from the incessantly brutal violence they routinely faced for being different, and created a safe and accepting family for themselves; ultimately, with the help of a mentor, they turned their community into a fashion enterprise (we bought an awesome t-shirt from them after the show). That their mentor was recently released from jail and trying to give back to his community, while actively turning his own life around, was no coincidence. In the Q&A after the film we learned that one of the most endearing community members featured in the film is still struggling to manage his day-to-day existence, but continuing to strive. This, too, brought tears of empathy and despair and hope to my eyes.

On Sunday the parade opened with the traditional Dykes on Bikes, followed by Mikes on Bikes, contingents that set the pace with a strong show of support for Orlando. Then came the first on-foot contingent, a large one, completely in honor of Orlando. It was a somber stretch of time, marking what we all felt hanging over the celebration.  There was no rollicking dance music. Just a couple of horns playing slowly for the procession of marchers, led by rows of people holding posters of each of the victims’ faces and personal details. My tears returned as my heart swelled yet again.

I find it remarkable that within two weeks of the tragedy, almost every contingent had professionally printed posters, signs, and/or t-shirts expressing support for Orlando. For me, it was a stark reminder of how vulnerable so many of us still feel, and yet how strongly we are bonded to one another in spirit, determined to forge ahead as a community demanding to be treated with respect and honor.

I was also reminded that it is equally important to acknowledge that the majority of those killed in Orlando were not only members of the LGBT community, but also people of color, mostly of Latin heritage. As with the members of the DC gang, the Check It, they almost certainly faced multiple affronts to their humanity, seldom, if ever, being treated as equally deserving of full respect, much less civil liberties. The theme of this year’s Pride celebration was Racial and Economic Justice. In my opinion, it was sorely over-due, and yet, I can’t think of a more important year to honor and celebrate this theme.

It was sad and unfortunate that the convergence of events led to the leaders of Black Lives Matter backing out of the Pride festivities. BLM was founded by three queer women of color. Who more perfect and deserving to be honored as Grand Marshals? And yet, understandably, when the organizers of Pride requested increased SFPD presence at the event in the wake of Orlando, the BLM leaders felt compelled to point out that this would not increase safety for all members of the Pride community. [see Vox article]  This comes at a time when a second group of SFPD officers is being investigated for exchanging racist texts, and they are receiving complaints of excessive force with a disproportionate impact on people of color, including the death of Jessica Williams last month.

We have so much work to do, good people.

The LGBTQAII community embraces a vast spectrum of differences, as is annually showcased in the parade, and yet we still see positions of power dominated by whites, and I suspect that they are mostly middle-class and upper-middle-class whites. We all know that statistically, men typically earn more than women, and whites tend to earn more than people of color. Given this, gay white male couples on the whole tend to be the more financially comfortable members of the community and able to donate generously to various causes, which often earns them visible roles in related organizations. Yet I was also struck Sunday afternoon by the presence on the main stage of the Dykes on Bikes Officers and Board members – it looked like they were all white. I checked their website to confirm, and from what I can tell, this is accurate. There are most likely a variety of reasons for this, and I don’t claim to know any of them; I just know that this is representative of the pattern we see everywhere in this country, even within our own  marginalized communities. I don’t love Dykes on Bikes any less, I just wish things were different already. Sometimes it’s hard to be patient with social change.

As LGBTQAII folks, we are, for the most part, fortunate to have the privilege of deciding when to be out and when to stay hidden. It may not seem like much, but it enables many of us to control, to some extent, whether or not people perceive our LGBTQ minority status in circumstances where we believe it could have a negative impact. People of color do not have that luxury.  It’s my belief that it’s up to us white folks to remember that and step up.

We can all contribute to justice by honoring our common humanity and treating one another with kindness and respect. We are all going to have prejudices that arise, as we are raised in a culture with strong stereotypes, and taught, both consciously and unconsciously, to fear certain differences.  So you will need to become more aware of these thoughts and work to overcome them. As often as you can, assuming there is no evident indication of danger, give someone the benefit of the doubt.  Assume either positive or neutral intent.

Even better, make an ongoing practice of engaging with positive intent.

Make an extra effort to smile at someone who you recognize as marginalized or disadvantaged. Say hello. Open the door for them. Let them go first at the stop light. Make a conscious effort not to pull your purse closer to you when you share an elevator with a young Black man. If you’re white, offer someone of color your seat on BART if they have their arms full. Compliment something you like about their attire. Let them go in front of you in line when you see that they have very little to purchase or a child who is testing their limits. If you see someone giving them a hard time, and you’re afraid to say something, then simply go stand in between them to provide a physical buffer. If you see someone being detained by the police, stop and record the encounter with your phone. As a white ally, seek out opportunities to cut someone of color a break or do them a favor, however small it may seem.

I like to call these interactions “micro-kindnesses.”  Each one is a tiny drop in the bucket to counter the multitude of micro-aggressions people of color and other marginalized populations (e.g. differently-abled, poverty stricken, visibly observant religious minorities) experience every day, and which we all undoubtedly engage in unconsciously at times. These are things anyone can do. You don’t have to be a manager or a teacher or a non-profit worker to make a difference in how people are treated.  If you have the ability to do more, by all means, do it!  But at a minimum, you can let marginalized people experience you as kind. You may find that it helps you feel more connected to the humanity in the world around you, and that can only be a good thing for everyone.

So, there’s only one thing left to ask. What are you going to do to make a difference today?