Is Happiness Overrated?

Achieving happiness is the goal of many Americans, perhaps more than any other country. Our Declaration of Independence cites “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness” as one of our rights as citizens. Personally, I don’t think it’s a very useful pursuit, although there is certainly an entire self-help industry built around it. Don’t get me wrong – I like feeling happy as much as the next person. I’m not knocking it, but I’m not chasing it, either.

 

Why? Because I think it’s misleading. Being happy is not the be-all, end-all of experiences. As my nephew said when his grandmother died, the fact that he felt sad was a sign that he had lost someone he loved – because there were good things to miss.  And I’ve certainly experienced fear at times when it was appropriate and helped keep me safe. After that, I am all the more grateful for my well-being, and can appreciate the sweetness of safety rather than take it for granted. As these two examples illustrate, contrasting experience can illuminate joys that you may not have otherwise noticed.

 

And this is why I’d rather cultivate a broad range of emotional experiences…..unexpected bursts of joy, a deep sense of satisfaction, moments of contentment, feelings of empathy, the ability to be touched by something poignant, excitement about what’s possible, hope for the future….. You get the idea. Some of these may be considered elements of happiness, and perhaps it’s not fair to oversimplify what is meant by the word “happiness.”

 

According to Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary, here is the definition of happiness: a state of well-being and contentment; a pleasurable or satisfying experience.

 

That sounds lovely! I am not saying I find happiness undesirable. However, in order to deeply experience that end of the spectrum, one must also be able to experience the other. It is natural in life to feel sadness, anger, grief, and all the variations on those emotions. That is perhaps the essence of humanity. I believe there is something highly valuable to gain from our less pleasant emotions, in a way that doesn’t come about with ‘positive’ emotions. Because when you’re “happy,” there is no reason to change the status quo. You’re where you want to be, emotionally, so why change a thing? And if you’re not happy? Simply choosing to be happy won’t address whatever it is causing other feelings to arise. They are likely there for a reason, and in understanding that reason, we cultivate more capacity to connect deeply to ourselves and to others.

 

I’m not advocating a static or persistent existence in struggle, either. I like the concept of recognizing that I am not my emotions, that they are temporary states of being; I can even have conflicting ones at the same time (in fact, if I look inside, I usually do). I find it helpful to use mindfulness techniques to observe my emotions and notice them without getting overly attached or entrenched in a particular experience.

 

At the same time, allowing myself to feel sad or angry and to explore those feelings consciously often leads to new insights. Sometimes my emotions or new insights compel me to take useful action I might not otherwise have taken. Difficult emotional experiences can help me think more creatively about how I want to live. They prompt me to continue learning and growing and expanding my perspective in a multitude of ways. If I spend my life in pursuit of happiness, without exploring my darker emotions, I strip away some of the richness that a full range of feelings offers. Not only that, but I may fall into the trap of believing that anything other than happiness is ‘substandard’, or worse, and beat myself up or become anxious about not being “happy enough.” That doesn’t sound healthy.

 

Then there’s the concept of “no pain, no gain.” Doing the hard work to achieve a positive experience offers its own deep sense of satisfaction, and reliably feels all the more gratifying and rewarding than consistently living in a happy haze.

 

No, I don’t believe in being perpetually happy as a life goal. I want to view my emotional well-being as a satisfying spectrum of experiences, one that takes into account the realities of life’s ups and downs, and accepts that it is both human and useful to feel all kinds of ways as we go about our days. That, for me, feels more satisfying.

 

What about you?